Intimacy; it’s what keeps relationships together after they’re already formed. It’s the bond that’s built between individuals that grows as their relationship furthers itself.

But, how do we know what intimacy is?

Intimacy is being ones true and unfiltered self to another, without fear of judgement or abandonment. Intimacy is vulnerability.

Which brings me to the question, when do we learn and experience vulnerability?

We experience vulnerability from the moment we’re born to the last breath we take. At an early age, people begin to learn about others emotions as well as our own. What they look like, what they feel like and what can cause them. Once individuals begin to build their understanding of theirs and others emotions, they start to increase their emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence consists of being able to understand emotions, manage emotions, being able to perceive and identify emotions, and using one’s emotions to convey thoughts.

Through many developmental perspectives and theories, it has been proved that interactions and learning experiences leave a lasting impact on how we relate to others and ourselves. Attachment style, developmental milestones, and psychological stages all have been proven to affect a child’s ability to relate to others and understand themselves later in their lives. But what happens when a child does not understand how to regulate or express their own emotions or understand the emotions of others?

In children with behavioral concerns, interventions pertaining to emotional intelligence are often at the top of the list. Children who tantrum, become verbally/physically aggressive, and engage in other maladaptive behaviors frequently struggle in regulating their own emotions and/or being able to appropriately express them to others. When behavioral specialists begin interventions with children, they typically start with emotional recognition (one of the 4 factors that make up emotional intelligence). This serves as a base for the behavioral specialist to gage what emotions the child is having particular difficulty with. From this point, the specialist and the child work on managing the different emotions (both positive and negative) that the child is feeling until the skill is met to an age appropriate degree. This skill that we often take for granted is crucial to creating and maintaining intimacy in future relationships.

As the child is able to master this skill, work in behavioral health treatment becomes turned towards understanding others emotions as well as conveying your own emotions to others. Being able to understand others feelings is crucial to any type of relationship and, as such, is key when discussing intimate relationships the child may encounter further on in life.

Understanding and being able to manage one’s own emotions along with understanding others emotions without conforming to them is what forms differentiation. Differentiation and emotional intelligence are the beginning steps towards having and maintaining intimate relationships.

The concept of intimacy is instilled in people at a young age and continues to deepen in meaning as they grow older. With the deeper understanding of intimacy comes the deeper understanding of what it means to be vulnerable to someone else. As children, people are being vulnerable to the whole world, relying on it and trusting it to help shape them to be ready to form intense and intimate relationships with others.

Perhaps this is why intimacy is such an intimidating thing for individuals in a relationship. Rather than having others guide the way as was the case in previous situations of vulnerability, those in a relationship are now setting their own course and relying on what others have taught them to lead them into a close and meaningful relationship.

Intimacy is vulnerability. Vulnerability is trusting another person with everything that encompasses you as an individual. How can we expect somebody to be vulnerable to another person when they don’t understand what they’re feeling or fully understand themselves?

In summation, it is not to be overlooked that it is vital to model the appropriate and healthy relationships. However, one cannot underestimate the cruciality of teaching emotional intelligence and differentiation if it is expected for children to grow and maintain intimate relationships.
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          Contributing Author
  

Kelly Styczynski is a behavioral health consultant and mental health counselor working with children ages 3-16. Her passion lies within not only counseling but also working with those with disabilities in different therapeutic settings. 

SWIC is comprised of a group of individuals who value the richness and complexity of human sexuality. Intentional efforts are made to advocate for sexuality education and training of professionals and students through a multi-dimensional approach. Sexual wellness elucidates the salience of sexual freedoms, rights, and expression while honoring the holistic exploration of the human existence. SWIC advances this sentiment by providing support and guidance to professionals and students that recognize the imperative nature of sexual wellness.

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